Cast not away thy confidence

It was almost exactly a year ago that I first felt the promptings that adoption was once again supposed to be in our family plans , as the road following those first promptings took different turns, at each fork in the road I had to continue to decide if I was going to continue forward with faith , or retreat from what I had felt . 

I don't think it was a coincidence that this girl 

was with me at the temple ceremony that initially, and so very directly , answered my prayers and questions and was much of the backbone of the decision to move forward towards another adoption

Because the lord knew I would question myself and second guess what I had felt and he knew I needed someone who not only had heard and felt the same things I had that day, but someone who has stood by my side for 13 years, to remind me not to retreat 

Heavenly Father knew I would be scared, he knew others would think I was insane for considering such a thing as this again, and he knew I needed people in my life to continue to remind me that even if it seemed crazy, and even if it was hard,  it was still right 

It seems that every time I started to back down and want to retreat from my feelings , every time I considering taking a different path and not pursuing this course, I would be reminded that those feelings of wanting to walk away were not coming from my Heavenly Father , 

At another crossroads in our decision making process, I was at the final hour of knowing I could no longer wait, that I had to make a decision to act or not, for this little boy .... 

and again I was reminded that my feelings were real and were coming from my Heavenly Father and to not retreat from what I knew to be right by this girl  

 ...And again I don't think its a coincidence that these two friends have also voluntarily traveled across the world to help me on this end of this journey 

There is a talk from elder Holland called 

"Cast not away thy confidence " that has always been a favorite of mine and has helped me many times in my life . 

But during this adoption it was key. 

I turned to it many many times and each time I was overwhelmed by the spirit of the Lord reminding me, to "not retreat from a good thing."

"I wish to encourage every one of us regarding the opposition that so often comes after enlightened decisions have been made, after moments of revelation and conviction have given us a peace and an assurance we thought we would never lose

Don’t panic and retreat. Don’t lose your confidence. Don’t forget how you once felt. Don’t distrust the experience you had. 

"once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. 

Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.

"Of course our faith will be tested as we fight through these self-doubts and second thoughts. Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt—seemingly free, seemingly on our way—only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and give up. At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary’s weapons against us. And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord. … The Lord shall fight for you.” 

......along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, 

"He will provide the way for you to accomplish it. Fear ye not.” And when the second and third and fourth blows come, “fear ye not. … The Lord shall fight for you.” Cast not away therefore your confidence."

I am so thankful for all the people in my life that have stood by us in this journey and for all those of you who offered listening ears and were answers to my prayers when we were trying to make the decision to commit to Noah or not, the Lord knew I needed each of you to stand by me as I realized 

that I could not deny the path I was being led down, even if it was vastly different from my plan, 

that I knew I would forever regret if I did not act on what I had felt.

that I could not see my life without this little boy in it, 

And most of all, I am thankful for a husband who had enough faith to trust his wife's motherly intuition, and to see that for some reason, unknown to us at the time, there was a strong connection to this little boy and his untold story.

knowing now of the urgency behind the prayers being sent up by my boy's birth mother , it is apparant why so much of the feelings leading to Noah were touching my heart as a mom. 
I am forever grateful for Kris's ability to take this leap of faith with me.

When Julie arrived here a few days ago she brought some gifts with her from home,
someone had sent things to help noah try to breath better, someone had sent a darling book to me called "Are you my mother?" and she and a few of my dear friends had brought this special gift for Noah's birth mom

This gift not only symbolized to me the love that these friends have for my boy, but it was a symbol of all the people who have been a part of this miracle, each and every person who has prayed, donated, helped with kids , and cheered us on, has a part in this symbol of what brought us here. I was so emotional the last week when I explained to her how much money it cost to get here to Noah, and how many people had helped make this possible, and that we could not have done this without all of these amazing people, without all of you, and she too was emotional and could not believe that people would do such a great thing for this one little boy. 

Today we were able to give her this special gift as we met her one last time 

We had lunch together and shared our gifts.
Then she asked us if we would be ok with her walking around the city with us for awhile and we had the best time learning from her about her country,

It gave me such a different love and appreciation for this country that now two of my children are from

 (The children's theatre)

She told us how she went to this particular church last summer because it bears part of our boys birth name, to pray that we would come for Noah

We were able to spend a few hours walking the streets of this city 

and through a beautiful park together And she continued to express how much peace she now felt ,

She said "It is a miracle , I know you are his mother and I know it will all be ok. I smile again now, and my eyes are alive again because God, and you, heard my prayers "

Saying goodbye to her was emotional, yet very peaceful as we all knew this was the plan all along.

Kris shared with us these touching thoughts of his "I can't think of a better way for this journey to end then for you (julie) to be there with Kec, when I cant be there, to bring this little boy home and introduce him to his eternal family and friends. I truly believe the two of you and (his birth mom) orchestrated this in heaven a long long time ago. I believe you two are guardian angels of this little boy and of his birth mom and that you all had a plan before this life to enable Noah to have a family."

When we gave her this gift today, I was explaining that Kris had sent us both a gift , matching bracelets for her and I with Noah's initial, which we wore with love as we pushed him around the park today 

and my mom had found the sign for her. As I was reading it to her She asked "what is faith?"

I said "Faith is what got us here"

Its believing in something we may not see, or something we may not have all the answers to.

When St. Paul spoke of the life of faith, he said it is like gazing in a mirror dimly, "But soon, " he said " we will see face to face"

My father in law said it well "It's a triple miracle how this story has played out,

A miracle for you,

A miracle for her,

and a miracle for Noah."

We could have never foreseen all that was woven into this little boys life and what would come of our decision to say yes and have faith

.